My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
