Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
