You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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