well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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