I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize