Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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