Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
