I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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