i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
