Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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