rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Come see our sink grown plant.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
