If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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