i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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