Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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