my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He passed out mid-signature
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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