Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My life is pants optional.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
