I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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