those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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