I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
