I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
