I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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