woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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