The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
