My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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