I could make wine with my vomit
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
