it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
