My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Randomize
