I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
