you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize