and you said cock pushups were impossible
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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