And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
