I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
