Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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