She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Found the puke drawer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Randomize
