I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
