I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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