If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
smell my finger.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
