Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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