I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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