I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
