I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize