i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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