he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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