It's like God shit irony all over that family
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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