when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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