You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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