I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
