Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
