So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
