The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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