i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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