I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
