so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Found the puke drawer
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
