do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
