if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
