Someone shit on the floor
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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