when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
