I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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