so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
