so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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