i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
