Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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