i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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