Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
