when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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