The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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