....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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