Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
